And so it has come to this… the rocky roads and the sleepless nights, old memories, new homes and in all of this chaos I have discovered that I lost myself somewhere between trying to understand the difference between love and lust and loneliness and purchasing my new vacuum. I am not a domesticated housecat. I can tell by the way you look at me that you believed me when I said I was happy. Now I am telling you, indirectly, read between the fucking lines. I AM NOT HAPPY. I don’t know how to spell it out for you. The irony of it all is that your ignorance to my subtlety is driving me crazy, but I do not have the strength to say any of this to your face.
I want to take my son and go. We are not like you. We are the Vikings, the pillagers of villages and young women. We imagine and create and survive. I am not part of you or your countless efforts to conform. Domestic beer, domestic cats, domestic woman, bird, car… it is all the same to you. You and yours… mine and ours. The difference lies in my need to discover things unknown to me. To teach strength and perseverance, loyalty and understanding in a straw hut on a beach in fucking Thailand… and the only thing stopping me is you.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Day Time TV Drama-I've been had Y'all
I am a mother. Congratulations to me.
I am stuck at home and and have become a victim of daytime television! My son isn't much of a conversationalist... yet. We are reading the Dark Tower series and he is inadvertantly helping me with a social experiment for my cultural anthropology class.
Mother hood has taken its toll on me already. I said from the very beginning that I was not built for pregnancy. I didn't lie. Infections took their toll after the c-section and I am STILL taking the fucking antibiotics. Gross. One of them makes my mouth taste like pennies. That makes me not want to eat. So the only good thing coming from this is that I am quickly shrinking down to my old size. Though I would not recommend this as an alternative to a healthy diet... but it's one quick way to shed those extra pounds.
Let's see... what else. Oh yes. I can't have sex. I can't imagine why I would want to now that I know what comes as a result from those "unions" but god do I want to get laid. It's almost too much to bear. Honestly. You know how people tell you " You never know what you have until it's gone..."
Well, I have to make it to six weeks and I have to be able to give a clean blood test before I can engage in any kind of sexual activity. Isn't that insane? It will never end. Never never never.
I am stuck at home and and have become a victim of daytime television! My son isn't much of a conversationalist... yet. We are reading the Dark Tower series and he is inadvertantly helping me with a social experiment for my cultural anthropology class.
Mother hood has taken its toll on me already. I said from the very beginning that I was not built for pregnancy. I didn't lie. Infections took their toll after the c-section and I am STILL taking the fucking antibiotics. Gross. One of them makes my mouth taste like pennies. That makes me not want to eat. So the only good thing coming from this is that I am quickly shrinking down to my old size. Though I would not recommend this as an alternative to a healthy diet... but it's one quick way to shed those extra pounds.
Let's see... what else. Oh yes. I can't have sex. I can't imagine why I would want to now that I know what comes as a result from those "unions" but god do I want to get laid. It's almost too much to bear. Honestly. You know how people tell you " You never know what you have until it's gone..."
Well, I have to make it to six weeks and I have to be able to give a clean blood test before I can engage in any kind of sexual activity. Isn't that insane? It will never end. Never never never.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Del sobre el flujo del corazón la boca habla
“I have always been curious about the way you would love.”
I don’t know if this is something I should be worried about.
The double standard here is my fault. If something else would have fallen in my lap, the temptation to take advantage of it would have been too much for me to resist.
But I am here now. I haven’t had much time to meander away from the high expectations I have set for myself.
I am knocked up. What other shenanigans could I get myself into?
But I haven’t strayed. I have managed to maintain my composure and I don’t know what is compelling me to remind you to do the same.
I am not one of those girls. I am not the type to always remind you of what a catch I am because honestly…I am not really that much of a catch.
I am not going to worry and obsess over things that are out of my control.
That’s a lie. I will obsess, but at least I am smart enough to know that the little things that I can obsess over are not important. I let so much slide.
I want to tell you that I am threatened by her appearance. I want you to know that I find it awfully convenient that she just happened to get back into town and you didn’t tell me that until now. Convenient for you I chose not to attend this “social gathering” and you sounded almost pleased to heat me decline the invitation.
I am turning the other cheek and I will ignore the fact that you will be alone with her tonight.
I am going to turn a deaf ear to the voices in my head that are creating the nastiest of suspicions.
I am not going to fall asleep to the thoughts of you bringing this someone into my house.
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you’re not that stupid.
I don’t know if this is something I should be worried about.
The double standard here is my fault. If something else would have fallen in my lap, the temptation to take advantage of it would have been too much for me to resist.
But I am here now. I haven’t had much time to meander away from the high expectations I have set for myself.
I am knocked up. What other shenanigans could I get myself into?
But I haven’t strayed. I have managed to maintain my composure and I don’t know what is compelling me to remind you to do the same.
I am not one of those girls. I am not the type to always remind you of what a catch I am because honestly…I am not really that much of a catch.
I am not going to worry and obsess over things that are out of my control.
That’s a lie. I will obsess, but at least I am smart enough to know that the little things that I can obsess over are not important. I let so much slide.
I want to tell you that I am threatened by her appearance. I want you to know that I find it awfully convenient that she just happened to get back into town and you didn’t tell me that until now. Convenient for you I chose not to attend this “social gathering” and you sounded almost pleased to heat me decline the invitation.
I am turning the other cheek and I will ignore the fact that you will be alone with her tonight.
I am going to turn a deaf ear to the voices in my head that are creating the nastiest of suspicions.
I am not going to fall asleep to the thoughts of you bringing this someone into my house.
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you’re not that stupid.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Ted Bundy stole MY underwear!
“I had a little turtle, his name was Tiny Tim, I put him in the bath tub to see if he could swim. He drank up all the water, he ate up all the soap….”
And then there is a pause. This could potentially be something very insulting to some people. Everyone has to watch what they say. Don’t preach about what you practice and keep your quirks behind closed doors because there is nothing in this country that couldn’t be considered taboo.
Smother me in chicken fat and fuck me like a stranger with a blind fold on. I wonder how many people would get turned on by that select phrase. Separate the words and you could have a wide variety of taboo phrases.
Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck me with a blindfold. Fuck chicken. Fuck chicken strangers. Fuck blindfolded chickens. Fuck fat blindfolded chicken. Smother chickens and fuck me.
But don’t get hard, don’t put your hands down your pants. Don’t have a wet dream or if you do, for god’s sake don’t tell anyone at school or at work. Your sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Sexual deviancy knows no boundaries.
I am a sexual deviant because I like to have sex with women. You are a sexual deviant because you like to be smothered in hot chicken fat a fucked like a stranger. That is not normal. You have thus become a deviant. You have deviated from social standards and made someone with a fucking PHD uncomfortable. How textbook of you.
“And then I cut his little head off and shoved it down his throat.”
But don’t forget to wear sunscreen and always brush your teeth. Give to the homeless and attend church every Sunday, or Saturday after 5PM….Wednesday for all those who need special attention and every other Thursday just to make sure that repentance can work around your schedule.
And then there is a pause. This could potentially be something very insulting to some people. Everyone has to watch what they say. Don’t preach about what you practice and keep your quirks behind closed doors because there is nothing in this country that couldn’t be considered taboo.
Smother me in chicken fat and fuck me like a stranger with a blind fold on. I wonder how many people would get turned on by that select phrase. Separate the words and you could have a wide variety of taboo phrases.
Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck me with a blindfold. Fuck chicken. Fuck chicken strangers. Fuck blindfolded chickens. Fuck fat blindfolded chicken. Smother chickens and fuck me.
But don’t get hard, don’t put your hands down your pants. Don’t have a wet dream or if you do, for god’s sake don’t tell anyone at school or at work. Your sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Sexual deviancy knows no boundaries.
I am a sexual deviant because I like to have sex with women. You are a sexual deviant because you like to be smothered in hot chicken fat a fucked like a stranger. That is not normal. You have thus become a deviant. You have deviated from social standards and made someone with a fucking PHD uncomfortable. How textbook of you.
“And then I cut his little head off and shoved it down his throat.”
But don’t forget to wear sunscreen and always brush your teeth. Give to the homeless and attend church every Sunday, or Saturday after 5PM….Wednesday for all those who need special attention and every other Thursday just to make sure that repentance can work around your schedule.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Happy Event, Buy one Get one Free Crutches
You’re breaking my heart.
Ladies. LADIES. I can expect this type of behavior from men. But I was astonished to see this coming from women. I’m talking Craigslist. I’m talking, personal ads. And I want to know what the FUCK is up. Where id your pride? Your self respect?
When I’m down, or a little blue…. When I feel like shit and have very little motivation to get out of bed in the morning, I find it very therapeutic to look on Craigslist at the personal ads. They give me a tiny sense of satisfaction in knowing that though my life may suck pretty bad at that given moment, I am not posting my personal information on the fucking internet with a picture of my tits hanging out of a horrendously cheap and ugly imitation of really horrendously ugly designer clothing. “Light up my heart with your love.” Just one of many tag lines that you might see on this website. Or how about “Foxy University Student!” Seriously? So I take it “Desperate and mildly educated…” just wasn’t working for ya. That sucks. I really liked; “Honesty and Communication” as one of the tag lines. HA AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Oh my god. Like any man is going to read that and think “Wow, the girl of my dreams. Honest communication! My heart is yours.” Right, because that happens so often, am I right? Has it occurred to any of you that maybe the reason that you can’t find a man is because you’re a creepy fucking recluse that is addicted to the internet? I have an idea. Maybe you should try socializing with real people. Maybe you could go to the Zoo, or the grocery store…..7/11, a damned gas station! Get off your ass and out of your house and try speaking to someone face to face. It’s that easy. I know that my romantic entanglements haven’t exactly been 100% successful, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And as for the girls….and I am using the term GIRLS, here because less than a year ago you began to sprout tits and realized that not every time someone used the term “Bush” they were referring to our president. GIRLS Im lookin 4 my one and only true love! - 18 (R-Vada) You’re eighteen. You’re looking for “true love” and you can’t spell. Sweetheart, you are shit out of luck.
I began writing the above commentary before I found out that I was sick. And by sick I mean knocked up and by knocked up I mean puking. And by puking I mean sick. So it all adds up in the end. Yes, I am having a baby. I don’t mean right now, at this moment. But I will have acquired a child come the first week of November through the birthing process. This is not a wonderful experience. Random people on the street feel entitled to come up to me and rub my stomach like I am a fucking Buddha statue or something. Women keep asking me “Isn’t it the most wonderful thing?” I want to stab them in the face with my churro….but I don’t want to waste a perfectly good churro. No it isn’t wonderful. Heartburn, cramps, back pain, chronic fatigue, lack of boos, no libido…. I could go on but I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else. I know, crazy huh? Women actually go through this willingly? Yah. I am working on the enthusiasm part and I believe that any day now things will become easier and I won’t even notice until the damned thing pops out.
Ladies. LADIES. I can expect this type of behavior from men. But I was astonished to see this coming from women. I’m talking Craigslist. I’m talking, personal ads. And I want to know what the FUCK is up. Where id your pride? Your self respect?
When I’m down, or a little blue…. When I feel like shit and have very little motivation to get out of bed in the morning, I find it very therapeutic to look on Craigslist at the personal ads. They give me a tiny sense of satisfaction in knowing that though my life may suck pretty bad at that given moment, I am not posting my personal information on the fucking internet with a picture of my tits hanging out of a horrendously cheap and ugly imitation of really horrendously ugly designer clothing. “Light up my heart with your love.” Just one of many tag lines that you might see on this website. Or how about “Foxy University Student!” Seriously? So I take it “Desperate and mildly educated…” just wasn’t working for ya. That sucks. I really liked; “Honesty and Communication” as one of the tag lines. HA AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Oh my god. Like any man is going to read that and think “Wow, the girl of my dreams. Honest communication! My heart is yours.” Right, because that happens so often, am I right? Has it occurred to any of you that maybe the reason that you can’t find a man is because you’re a creepy fucking recluse that is addicted to the internet? I have an idea. Maybe you should try socializing with real people. Maybe you could go to the Zoo, or the grocery store…..7/11, a damned gas station! Get off your ass and out of your house and try speaking to someone face to face. It’s that easy. I know that my romantic entanglements haven’t exactly been 100% successful, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And as for the girls….and I am using the term GIRLS, here because less than a year ago you began to sprout tits and realized that not every time someone used the term “Bush” they were referring to our president. GIRLS Im lookin 4 my one and only true love! - 18 (R-Vada) You’re eighteen. You’re looking for “true love” and you can’t spell. Sweetheart, you are shit out of luck.
I began writing the above commentary before I found out that I was sick. And by sick I mean knocked up and by knocked up I mean puking. And by puking I mean sick. So it all adds up in the end. Yes, I am having a baby. I don’t mean right now, at this moment. But I will have acquired a child come the first week of November through the birthing process. This is not a wonderful experience. Random people on the street feel entitled to come up to me and rub my stomach like I am a fucking Buddha statue or something. Women keep asking me “Isn’t it the most wonderful thing?” I want to stab them in the face with my churro….but I don’t want to waste a perfectly good churro. No it isn’t wonderful. Heartburn, cramps, back pain, chronic fatigue, lack of boos, no libido…. I could go on but I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else. I know, crazy huh? Women actually go through this willingly? Yah. I am working on the enthusiasm part and I believe that any day now things will become easier and I won’t even notice until the damned thing pops out.
Monday, February 18, 2008
The G-String Diva and String Cheese up my Ass.
"You're attractive when your clothed. You're a beautiful woman. But when you're naked it's something else. It wakes something up inside of me, something primal. And I am in awe of your beauty. Like I have never been in the presence of something so perfect. And it makes me feel like a smaller person, like I have been let in on a secret that few, if any, have ever been privileged to know."
Pull me out, and put me down. Help me down from this pedestal and listen to me, if only for a moment. There are few things in this world that can be considered "perfect". That is to say that...beauty and perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Then look at me and see the imperfections and the flaws, the tiny cracks and pieces that are being held together by crazy glue, the blemishes and the wrinkles. Free me from that stereotype and look at me. I am no different, and nothing to bewilder. Look at me. See me. Because I see you and I can honestly say that I know you are far from perfect. Find the ability to afford me the same courtesy.
I realized something about myself today. I am stark raving mad. . .
No, not really. But as each day passes I learn something new about the person that I am, and that gives me a glimpse at the person that I will become. The two conflict with each other. I often imagine the two conflicting sides of my personality as two old, British men, arguing in my head. There could be more. I'm not sure.
You conflict with my instincts of self preservation.
Like a child, feeding off of emotions and surroundings, taking in, absorbing everything around you. I am a teacher. I am letting you feed off of my abilities to be unattached and alone. You can see it in me. And like every other animal, I know you can smell the fear. It drives you to perfection. The idea of me leaving, disappearing without a word. Leaving nothing behind but a scent or a memory. Because I could, you know I could. Fear holds me to you. I don't believe you are ready to be left on your own. No, not ready yet. But I will leave you one day, and I want you to be prepared. Be prepared for the heartache. You don't realize it now, but the human heart is the most amazing and complex part of the human body. It drives you, motivates you, gives you life, hurts you, and it is beautiful...even when you think it's breaking. Something you might want to be prepare yourself for.
I am itching for a change. Change in scenery, situation, color...anything. It's time. I need to feel like something I do matters. If I had the ability to sprout horns and walk on all fours like a beast, I would, simply to feel somethig different. But I can't...or I could, but honestly it's not the kind of change I am looking for.
And what happens when the passion dies? Where did the feeling go? People get stuck in dead end careers and marriages and mortgages, minivans, property taxes, life insurance, arguments, debt, secrets, corporate politics, seperation, mediation, divorce. So where did the ambition go? Be a writer, be an artist, a scientist, an atronaut, a dolphin tamer. . . I mean, why the fuck not? Become a recluse and live only with the company of characters in your books. When did it get so complicated? Let yourself go, and do what makes you happy. I could be saying that because I'm young, and have not yet gotten accustomed to the ways...of life. But if that is the case, then fuck the "ways of the world". Ha ha ha... "I don't much like bills either. I don't think I'm going to pay them." I don't like bills. Everyone walks around like pompous little pieces of shit, thinking that the world owes them something. The thirteen year old girl that is just one g-string away from her future career path....asking me for a cigarette, with all the attitude and arrogance of someone twice her age. I owe her a smoke because daddy beat her, or mommy didn't hug her enough. And should I deny her he luxury of my hard earned tobacco, she will roll her eyes all the way to the back of her head, making me think that any moment they might just slip all the way back and she'll choke on them. Let it go. You think you are having a hard time? You think that life has been unfair? You're probably right, and I wish I could tell you that it's going to get better. It might not, and that doesn't sound like very good advice. Here's some. Take a number, and step in line. Trust me, you might not have it that bad. No one is saying that life didn't hand you a raw deal, but you can either deal with it and move the fuck on. Or wallow in that disgustingly shallow pool of self pity and watch life pass you by. Because, despite what you think you know, I don't owe you shit.
If I had known what path would have brought me here, I certainly would have walked away by now.
Man the fuck up, pull your god damned pants up and quit walking around here like you won these streets, and get a fucking job. Please, make yourself useful, because if you don't you are a waste of breath. Kids today...really.
Valium and vicodin...home made cocktails of pharmaceuticals, the perfect way to quiet an unquiet mind.
God, don't turn into your mother.
Is that what you think I'm doing? I can't sleep when all I hear is my own voice yelling in my head.
Don't quiet it.
I can't hear myself breathe.
Then breathe harder.
"With my feet upon the ground, I lose myself between the sounds, and open wide to suck it in I feel it move across my skin..."
Stop. Breathe. Breathe harder, let in in.
Pull me out, and put me down. Help me down from this pedestal and listen to me, if only for a moment. There are few things in this world that can be considered "perfect". That is to say that...beauty and perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Then look at me and see the imperfections and the flaws, the tiny cracks and pieces that are being held together by crazy glue, the blemishes and the wrinkles. Free me from that stereotype and look at me. I am no different, and nothing to bewilder. Look at me. See me. Because I see you and I can honestly say that I know you are far from perfect. Find the ability to afford me the same courtesy.
I realized something about myself today. I am stark raving mad. . .
No, not really. But as each day passes I learn something new about the person that I am, and that gives me a glimpse at the person that I will become. The two conflict with each other. I often imagine the two conflicting sides of my personality as two old, British men, arguing in my head. There could be more. I'm not sure.
You conflict with my instincts of self preservation.
Like a child, feeding off of emotions and surroundings, taking in, absorbing everything around you. I am a teacher. I am letting you feed off of my abilities to be unattached and alone. You can see it in me. And like every other animal, I know you can smell the fear. It drives you to perfection. The idea of me leaving, disappearing without a word. Leaving nothing behind but a scent or a memory. Because I could, you know I could. Fear holds me to you. I don't believe you are ready to be left on your own. No, not ready yet. But I will leave you one day, and I want you to be prepared. Be prepared for the heartache. You don't realize it now, but the human heart is the most amazing and complex part of the human body. It drives you, motivates you, gives you life, hurts you, and it is beautiful...even when you think it's breaking. Something you might want to be prepare yourself for.
I am itching for a change. Change in scenery, situation, color...anything. It's time. I need to feel like something I do matters. If I had the ability to sprout horns and walk on all fours like a beast, I would, simply to feel somethig different. But I can't...or I could, but honestly it's not the kind of change I am looking for.
And what happens when the passion dies? Where did the feeling go? People get stuck in dead end careers and marriages and mortgages, minivans, property taxes, life insurance, arguments, debt, secrets, corporate politics, seperation, mediation, divorce. So where did the ambition go? Be a writer, be an artist, a scientist, an atronaut, a dolphin tamer. . . I mean, why the fuck not? Become a recluse and live only with the company of characters in your books. When did it get so complicated? Let yourself go, and do what makes you happy. I could be saying that because I'm young, and have not yet gotten accustomed to the ways...of life. But if that is the case, then fuck the "ways of the world". Ha ha ha... "I don't much like bills either. I don't think I'm going to pay them." I don't like bills. Everyone walks around like pompous little pieces of shit, thinking that the world owes them something. The thirteen year old girl that is just one g-string away from her future career path....asking me for a cigarette, with all the attitude and arrogance of someone twice her age. I owe her a smoke because daddy beat her, or mommy didn't hug her enough. And should I deny her he luxury of my hard earned tobacco, she will roll her eyes all the way to the back of her head, making me think that any moment they might just slip all the way back and she'll choke on them. Let it go. You think you are having a hard time? You think that life has been unfair? You're probably right, and I wish I could tell you that it's going to get better. It might not, and that doesn't sound like very good advice. Here's some. Take a number, and step in line. Trust me, you might not have it that bad. No one is saying that life didn't hand you a raw deal, but you can either deal with it and move the fuck on. Or wallow in that disgustingly shallow pool of self pity and watch life pass you by. Because, despite what you think you know, I don't owe you shit.
If I had known what path would have brought me here, I certainly would have walked away by now.
Man the fuck up, pull your god damned pants up and quit walking around here like you won these streets, and get a fucking job. Please, make yourself useful, because if you don't you are a waste of breath. Kids today...really.
Valium and vicodin...home made cocktails of pharmaceuticals, the perfect way to quiet an unquiet mind.
God, don't turn into your mother.
Is that what you think I'm doing? I can't sleep when all I hear is my own voice yelling in my head.
Don't quiet it.
I can't hear myself breathe.
Then breathe harder.
"With my feet upon the ground, I lose myself between the sounds, and open wide to suck it in I feel it move across my skin..."
Stop. Breathe. Breathe harder, let in in.
Friday, February 8, 2008
FREAKS! The story of the love ife of the sideshow.
Fate is a bitch, and I believe that if it could take on human form it would resemble my mother.
My intuition is a little rusty, and it shames me to say that I was shocked that Aunt Flow came to visit this week. Life, it seems, has a better sense of humor than I do.
I am empty.
That's a good thing. And I have yet to cease being amazed at the situations in which I find myself. I am without regret.
I know you hate your job. That is why they...the elusive and ever mysterious THEY, have to pay you to do it. I love you more when you are employed. I love you today in spite of your whining. Things will get better, I promise. Good things come to those who wait and if they don't...wait some more. There is nowhere to go but up once you have hit rock bottom. And baby, speaking from experience, you are a long way from rock bottom. Enjoy the time you have now, you...we are young and by default will get the short end of the stick. This horrible situation you find yourself in now may just be the catalyst you have been looking for. Life is what you make of it...so perhaps life isnt what you are dissatisfied with. Something to ponder.
To new friends, with old hearts...oh I am glad to have met you. I am feeling nostalgic and euphoric. I blame that on the drugs. Vicodin has spurred this momentary infatuation with sharing my feelings. Don't get use to it. I have a reputation to protect MANG, JU KNOW?
Ruth, you are great. I know you have heard that before, but still. You have inspired me. My muse..Ruth. Ah! It's a good feeling, to know that you have friends that share the same passions and convictions. You never bore me.
Corbin? I am really proud of you. Sometimes, when I feel like my plate might be a bit too full, I look at yours and feel like crap because I know I could easiy take on a second helping. Good for you. Hang in there. One day you're going to be a wealthy genius...don't forget the little people.
(literally)
And my ego deserves some kudos too. And here you honestly thought you had lost your sex appeal. Silly ego. Women don't lose their sex appeal. I didn't lose it. It's not like I woke up one day and said "Whoops! Where did my sex appeal go". I just don't use it like I use to. I have safely stored it away in a box under my bed. I'll take it out again someday when I feel the need to to. As o right now I just don't give a shit, and that is a very empowering feeling. I can feel vitality flowing through my veins. I have not changed, just my scenery. Everyone needs a change of scenery. I like what I see. It has all been laid out before me and the only thing I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. That shouldn't be too hard, it's been a hell of a ride so far.
My intuition is a little rusty, and it shames me to say that I was shocked that Aunt Flow came to visit this week. Life, it seems, has a better sense of humor than I do.
I am empty.
That's a good thing. And I have yet to cease being amazed at the situations in which I find myself. I am without regret.
I know you hate your job. That is why they...the elusive and ever mysterious THEY, have to pay you to do it. I love you more when you are employed. I love you today in spite of your whining. Things will get better, I promise. Good things come to those who wait and if they don't...wait some more. There is nowhere to go but up once you have hit rock bottom. And baby, speaking from experience, you are a long way from rock bottom. Enjoy the time you have now, you...we are young and by default will get the short end of the stick. This horrible situation you find yourself in now may just be the catalyst you have been looking for. Life is what you make of it...so perhaps life isnt what you are dissatisfied with. Something to ponder.
To new friends, with old hearts...oh I am glad to have met you. I am feeling nostalgic and euphoric. I blame that on the drugs. Vicodin has spurred this momentary infatuation with sharing my feelings. Don't get use to it. I have a reputation to protect MANG, JU KNOW?
Ruth, you are great. I know you have heard that before, but still. You have inspired me. My muse..Ruth. Ah! It's a good feeling, to know that you have friends that share the same passions and convictions. You never bore me.
Corbin? I am really proud of you. Sometimes, when I feel like my plate might be a bit too full, I look at yours and feel like crap because I know I could easiy take on a second helping. Good for you. Hang in there. One day you're going to be a wealthy genius...don't forget the little people.
(literally)
And my ego deserves some kudos too. And here you honestly thought you had lost your sex appeal. Silly ego. Women don't lose their sex appeal. I didn't lose it. It's not like I woke up one day and said "Whoops! Where did my sex appeal go". I just don't use it like I use to. I have safely stored it away in a box under my bed. I'll take it out again someday when I feel the need to to. As o right now I just don't give a shit, and that is a very empowering feeling. I can feel vitality flowing through my veins. I have not changed, just my scenery. Everyone needs a change of scenery. I like what I see. It has all been laid out before me and the only thing I have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. That shouldn't be too hard, it's been a hell of a ride so far.
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