“I had a little turtle, his name was Tiny Tim, I put him in the bath tub to see if he could swim. He drank up all the water, he ate up all the soap….”
And then there is a pause. This could potentially be something very insulting to some people. Everyone has to watch what they say. Don’t preach about what you practice and keep your quirks behind closed doors because there is nothing in this country that couldn’t be considered taboo.
Smother me in chicken fat and fuck me like a stranger with a blind fold on. I wonder how many people would get turned on by that select phrase. Separate the words and you could have a wide variety of taboo phrases.
Fuck. Fuck me. Fuck me with a blindfold. Fuck chicken. Fuck chicken strangers. Fuck blindfolded chickens. Fuck fat blindfolded chicken. Smother chickens and fuck me.
But don’t get hard, don’t put your hands down your pants. Don’t have a wet dream or if you do, for god’s sake don’t tell anyone at school or at work. Your sexuality is something to be ashamed of. Sexual deviancy knows no boundaries.
I am a sexual deviant because I like to have sex with women. You are a sexual deviant because you like to be smothered in hot chicken fat a fucked like a stranger. That is not normal. You have thus become a deviant. You have deviated from social standards and made someone with a fucking PHD uncomfortable. How textbook of you.
“And then I cut his little head off and shoved it down his throat.”
But don’t forget to wear sunscreen and always brush your teeth. Give to the homeless and attend church every Sunday, or Saturday after 5PM….Wednesday for all those who need special attention and every other Thursday just to make sure that repentance can work around your schedule.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The Happy Event, Buy one Get one Free Crutches
You’re breaking my heart.
Ladies. LADIES. I can expect this type of behavior from men. But I was astonished to see this coming from women. I’m talking Craigslist. I’m talking, personal ads. And I want to know what the FUCK is up. Where id your pride? Your self respect?
When I’m down, or a little blue…. When I feel like shit and have very little motivation to get out of bed in the morning, I find it very therapeutic to look on Craigslist at the personal ads. They give me a tiny sense of satisfaction in knowing that though my life may suck pretty bad at that given moment, I am not posting my personal information on the fucking internet with a picture of my tits hanging out of a horrendously cheap and ugly imitation of really horrendously ugly designer clothing. “Light up my heart with your love.” Just one of many tag lines that you might see on this website. Or how about “Foxy University Student!” Seriously? So I take it “Desperate and mildly educated…” just wasn’t working for ya. That sucks. I really liked; “Honesty and Communication” as one of the tag lines. HA AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Oh my god. Like any man is going to read that and think “Wow, the girl of my dreams. Honest communication! My heart is yours.” Right, because that happens so often, am I right? Has it occurred to any of you that maybe the reason that you can’t find a man is because you’re a creepy fucking recluse that is addicted to the internet? I have an idea. Maybe you should try socializing with real people. Maybe you could go to the Zoo, or the grocery store…..7/11, a damned gas station! Get off your ass and out of your house and try speaking to someone face to face. It’s that easy. I know that my romantic entanglements haven’t exactly been 100% successful, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And as for the girls….and I am using the term GIRLS, here because less than a year ago you began to sprout tits and realized that not every time someone used the term “Bush” they were referring to our president. GIRLS Im lookin 4 my one and only true love! - 18 (R-Vada) You’re eighteen. You’re looking for “true love” and you can’t spell. Sweetheart, you are shit out of luck.
I began writing the above commentary before I found out that I was sick. And by sick I mean knocked up and by knocked up I mean puking. And by puking I mean sick. So it all adds up in the end. Yes, I am having a baby. I don’t mean right now, at this moment. But I will have acquired a child come the first week of November through the birthing process. This is not a wonderful experience. Random people on the street feel entitled to come up to me and rub my stomach like I am a fucking Buddha statue or something. Women keep asking me “Isn’t it the most wonderful thing?” I want to stab them in the face with my churro….but I don’t want to waste a perfectly good churro. No it isn’t wonderful. Heartburn, cramps, back pain, chronic fatigue, lack of boos, no libido…. I could go on but I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else. I know, crazy huh? Women actually go through this willingly? Yah. I am working on the enthusiasm part and I believe that any day now things will become easier and I won’t even notice until the damned thing pops out.
Ladies. LADIES. I can expect this type of behavior from men. But I was astonished to see this coming from women. I’m talking Craigslist. I’m talking, personal ads. And I want to know what the FUCK is up. Where id your pride? Your self respect?
When I’m down, or a little blue…. When I feel like shit and have very little motivation to get out of bed in the morning, I find it very therapeutic to look on Craigslist at the personal ads. They give me a tiny sense of satisfaction in knowing that though my life may suck pretty bad at that given moment, I am not posting my personal information on the fucking internet with a picture of my tits hanging out of a horrendously cheap and ugly imitation of really horrendously ugly designer clothing. “Light up my heart with your love.” Just one of many tag lines that you might see on this website. Or how about “Foxy University Student!” Seriously? So I take it “Desperate and mildly educated…” just wasn’t working for ya. That sucks. I really liked; “Honesty and Communication” as one of the tag lines. HA AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! Oh my god. Like any man is going to read that and think “Wow, the girl of my dreams. Honest communication! My heart is yours.” Right, because that happens so often, am I right? Has it occurred to any of you that maybe the reason that you can’t find a man is because you’re a creepy fucking recluse that is addicted to the internet? I have an idea. Maybe you should try socializing with real people. Maybe you could go to the Zoo, or the grocery store…..7/11, a damned gas station! Get off your ass and out of your house and try speaking to someone face to face. It’s that easy. I know that my romantic entanglements haven’t exactly been 100% successful, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. And as for the girls….and I am using the term GIRLS, here because less than a year ago you began to sprout tits and realized that not every time someone used the term “Bush” they were referring to our president. GIRLS Im lookin 4 my one and only true love! - 18 (R-Vada) You’re eighteen. You’re looking for “true love” and you can’t spell. Sweetheart, you are shit out of luck.
I began writing the above commentary before I found out that I was sick. And by sick I mean knocked up and by knocked up I mean puking. And by puking I mean sick. So it all adds up in the end. Yes, I am having a baby. I don’t mean right now, at this moment. But I will have acquired a child come the first week of November through the birthing process. This is not a wonderful experience. Random people on the street feel entitled to come up to me and rub my stomach like I am a fucking Buddha statue or something. Women keep asking me “Isn’t it the most wonderful thing?” I want to stab them in the face with my churro….but I don’t want to waste a perfectly good churro. No it isn’t wonderful. Heartburn, cramps, back pain, chronic fatigue, lack of boos, no libido…. I could go on but I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else. I know, crazy huh? Women actually go through this willingly? Yah. I am working on the enthusiasm part and I believe that any day now things will become easier and I won’t even notice until the damned thing pops out.
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