To the self???? If I am not HERE, then where am I? Should I choose not to belong to you, then to whom should I belong? I do hear your whispers while I am sleeping. I know how clumsily your hands fumble underneath the sheets. Each is experience is new, and I only want to experience it with you. BUT I don't creep around in dark corners. And beckon information that doesn't belong to me. You are then, cold and a coward. And in your eyes I can see all the lies that you think of me. Being double teamed in a dark alley behind the local Krispy Kreme....moaning like a whore. And why shoud it shock you? You've obviously seen me here before. And though you may turn the other cheek, your absence turns out to be a blessing in disguise when I come home to an empty house with Matt's cum still dripping down my thighs. And indeed only human, bound to make mistakes. I can feel your heart beat and I can hear it when it breaks. I can feel it beneath you skin, the skin you carry my secrets in...trembling above me, imperfect and lovely.
The double standard? What you think of me and what it amounts to, really... completely different. But remember, reality sets you free. There is something you don't know about me.
I am not afraid of you, I was more afraid of me. B/c I knoew that when tomorrow came, I didn;t know who I could be. I hid my heart, and you wore yours on your sleeve. But don't remind me of things past, it's just the excuse I'd need to leave. You say that love can be unconditional, but you don't remember what I could do...not that I want to. But it's not for me to choose, between right and wrong...lies that grey. And I feel like I am stumbling through my life, mixing my black and my white. Unable to distinguish my days from my nights. And I hope that someday you will be able to see me, see through me, leave me, leave me be. You can't see, b/c you don't want to know the truth. You gave me everything, anything that meant something, to me it's something for nothing. I'll take it as long as it's free.
I always eat babies this time of night. Or...at least I would, if had some crayons. Frozen.
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*Blinking very hard*
*shakes head and tries to comprehend the entry*
*re-reads the entry*
*blinking very hard... again*
I am really, having difficulties tonight. I hope you are doing ok, or at least better, kiddo. I'm not entirely sure what's going on, but keep your chin up... things will change.
If you need to talk, and want an 'objective' POV, I don't have a lot of time available but it's yours if you need it.
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